This plus that equals…. changing dynamics
Here’s the latest instalment in my series of posts all about what makes our lives here at home tick. As you all know I recently started a new job, so I’ve been out of the house a lot more, it’s really changing things at home. It’s the changing dynamics at home that I am struggling with most of all. Just little things I’ve noticed. Normal or inconsequential to many, but new and a bit upsetting for me.
Up until I started this new job I had barely missed a bedtime. We had a routine. A long one. But a routine.
I would help L brush his teeth, read him his first story, tuck him in, read a pretend story on behalf of the cat and then his Daddy would take over with another story and their own little games.
Now I’m working most evenings as it suits us and works around childcare the easiest. But it means I’m missing a lot of bedtimes and that routine has changed, so even when I am home, L doesn’t really need me anymore. I’m not part of their new routine. It stings more than I’ve cared to admit up until now, I’m fighting back the tears as I type. This is still all quite new though, so I’m sure things will change again.
We used to have, without fail, one day a week for the three of us to do something fun together. Often more, but always at least one.
Now we just don’t. An afternoon here, a morning there. We just have less time all of us togther. In the days we do now have, we still have to fit in seeing family and other mundane chores. So time for us as a family to go and do things together has drastically diminished.
I just don’t like it. It feels like we are less of a unit and it is stressful. It is very different to what we have been used to and that shift is very strange.
Daddy & Son days
Obviously I don’t have a problem with Daddy and Son days. Not at all. I love that they spend time together and do fun things.
But do they have to do so many fun things, so often.
It is just jealousy plain and simple and goes back to us not having so much family time. They are now off doing things on their own we would have once done as a family. I am not used to missing out on the fun things and I really don’t like missing out on the fun things.
I just miss the time I had to spend with L. It used to be just me and him for the vast majority of the time and now it isn’t and I’m struggling to let go.
I used to be responsible for 99% of the pick ups and drops offs at nursery.
Drop offs, up until recentl,y had been hideous but that would be made up for by picking him up and seeing how happy he was and getting to hear about his day.
Now I still get most of the drop offs which vary between being fabulous or hideous. L has regressed a little since I went back to work, as his routine has changed and left him a little unsettled. But I barely get any of the pick ups. So it’s like I’m just dropping and running and it’s horrible, especially on the bad days.
I’ve always felt guilty, but now it is 10 times worse. It has also been very strange not being the one to get all those updates everyday, I feel a little out of control, which is odd when I didn’t realise how ‘in control’ of it I felt in the first place!
So I mentioned I felt out of control of the whole nursery thing. But it’s nto only that. Far from it. I feel like simple things like housework and chores have got away from me. That I’ve lost that bond L and I had, even though I know it’s not lost, but it has certainly changed.
More than anything I feel like I’ve lost control of my future. That I’m struggling to keep up with blogging, which is ridiculous as it’s not something I have to do. But I want to, and I want to be doing it more. I’ve lost control over what opportunities I can say yes to because my time isn’t fully my own anymore and that’s just a lot to get used to. Especially when it means missing out on really cool things like holidays.
Things have changed, they had to. It’s been a lot to get used though. I suppose I still haven’t. I’m sure I will though. Won’t I?
Finally, I’m linking up with #TheBabyFormula, #TwinklyTuesday and #fortheloveofBLOG
Image credits – Go Daddy