So how’s this lockdown treating you all? I’m finding it rather testing of I’m honest. Some things are so much better, some things are so much worse and oddly some of the things that are better are adding to the worsened. Any of that make sense? Probably not. I think there’s every chance I’ve lost the plot.

The first lockdown was ok, the weather was good, I had all those extra time to spend with L. We got the paddling pool out, we raised frog spawn, we cycles and walked and explored areas of our local countryside we’d never been too before. 

It sucked that my department at work shut so I was moved into another area, working in a supermarket the only new unstaffed place to moved to was queue control and door duty. Getting regular abuse was delightful. Having to do it after 5pm and into the night each day so I could swap childcare roles with my husband when he finished work was tiring but we had weekends free, so it kind of worked. 

Generally looking back though there were stressful parts for the most I actually enjoyed lockdown number one. 

In England if I’m honest lockdown 2.0 didn’t even count. Work was the same, back on my own department on my regular hours and the kid at school. Still able to socialise, just on a reduced basis. It really wasn’t a lockdown at all. 

So I walked into lockdown 3.0 fairly sure of myself and without much of a worry. Stupid me. It is so hard though. I’m really worn down and it’s starting to wear thin. 

On the plus side my department has remained open this time round, no more door duty, no late nights and destinctly less abuse. But my department doesn’t open late at night and despite being a key worker sending L into school without his friends doesn’t sit well with us. It’s just not right for him. My manager is excellent and has let me condense my hours into the weekend. 

I am currently spending Monday to Friday homeschooling and Saturday/Sunday at work. I have little to no downtime and it’s getting to me. It works though and means I can dedicate my time to teaching Leo, as apposed to my husband having to split his day between working and teaching. A lot of parents are having to do this and I can only imagine how difficult it is. Impossible even. So I may be tired but I’m still bloody lucky. 

The schooling provision this time round is a huge amount better. We’ve got Google Meets twice daily and actual work being set. The first lockdown I was online finding resources and we were working on what we wanted, when we wanted to. It’s hard on L though, he’s at home all day surrounded by toys and TV and games and many distractions that he’s not allowed to use. The work we’re set is taking all day. It’s hard. By the time we’ve done what is set there’s not much time left for fun. I feel bad for him. I’m trying my best but I’m not sure it’s cutting it. 

The weather is making a huge difference. It’s miserable. We’ve not even had proper snow. It’s dark, it’s cold and it’s wet. We’ve done all the walks and by the time we’ve finished school work it’s getting too dark to cycle far. It’s just feels really grey. 

It feels like I’ve just had a massive long whinge. I know so many of you are feeling the same, or worse. We’ve lost family to Covid, I know a lot of you have too and it’s awful. Not being able to be there and not even getting a proper goodbye at the funeral. Kids not sleeping and struggling with emotions and feelings that we feel I’ll equipped to deal with. Juggling 3 billion things and adding more jobs to our already full plates. 

I’m sure there’s light at the end of the tunnel and day to day I’m finding little joys to get me through. It’s not as dreadful as it may sound every minute of every day but it’s ok not to be happy at the moment. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s tough. Really tough. We will get through it one way or another. All our stories and experiences of this time will be so very different but I also think on some level they’ll be very similar. Different boats, same ocean.