This plus that equals…. grief

Here’s the latest instalment in my series of posts all about what makes our lives here at home tick. This week is all about grief. Last week I lost both my grandad and my uncle on the same day. It’s been tough as you can imagine and has affected all of us. It’s had me thinking about how we handle things and what a big feeling grief is.

Shock

It has been a huge shock for us all. Less than two weeks ago my grandad got a diagnosis and one week after that he was gone.

It was so fast, so vicious and so fucking unfair. He was healthy, he was more than healthy for an 88 year old and now he’s gone.

To then on the same day get a call about another family member, an uncle who though I wasn’t close with I have very fond memories of, was a bit of a blow.

I was with a friend when I found out, her response about covered it. What the actual? So yeah, the shock of it all is still playing a huge part in how we are all thinking and reacting.

Exhaustion

I am exhausted. I am tired right through to my bones. It’s different to the usual, I haven’t had a good nights sleep in months, tiredness I am so used to I have almost forgotten it. This is different, it’s a mental exhaustion and it’s all consuming.

The worrying, the sadness, the memories, the emotions are all big and all lay heavy. It’s exhausting.

Plus, it’s not just me I’ve got to think about. It’s been L, who loved his Great Mond so much, there’s been lots of conversations about life and eath and illness. There has been a lot of emotion in a small child and it’s been spilling out all over the place.

There’s been my family too, we don’t have the easiest of relationships and they are probably the last people I am comfortable being emotional around as that’s not what we do. They can be emotional with me, but not the other way round, I am the practical one, the one who sorts things out and the one who is left to it unless something is needed of me. So all this family time has been pretty exhausting for me as well.

Short fuse

The biggest thing I have noticed in myself is that my normal, almost infinite patience is no more.

A customer at work had a bit of a pop at me yesterday, nothing major and nothing that would have phased me normally. But yesterday it took all I had to be calm, polite and professional and it was horrible.

At home I’ve got a kid with lots of emotions just pouring out of him at random points, couple that with me finding it hard to be calm is not a good mix.

For the most part I think I’m OK, but then I realise if I was OK I wouldn’t be so angry. I know it will pass and I know I’m allowed to be, but I’m not loving it on me, so I’m doing my best to deal with this feeling as quickly as I can.

Confusion

This one is mainly for L. Though to be fair to a degree I think we are all a bit confused as the questions he is asking I cannot answer, so I really do appreciate where he’s coming from.

He saw his great grandparents on the first Monday of half term and they had just got back from a walk and were playing with him. Exactly three weeks later we popped over and his great grandad was in his pyjamas (a never before seen sight) on the sofa and slept for most the visit. The following Monday L was on his third trip to the hospital to visit him, the Wednesday he was gone.

He is struggling to understand the speed of it. He doesn’t understand why we haven’t had the funeral yet. He can’t understand why Leukemia is not something you ‘catch’, and old age is cutting it for an explanation where he didn’t see him as old.

I can understand why he is so confused, especially as I cannot give im the answers. We’re being honest but not scary. But when you are five how can you understand, how can he possibly understand something that we don’t?

The confusion has notched that separation anxiety up a bit, which is understandable but we’ll handle that.

Different

We’re all handling things very differently. Grief doesn’t come in a one size fits all package. People seem to find it easier to understand and easier to help if you are a mess and crying. My preferred method of quiet, practicality seems to put people off a bit.

I think however you deal with things the only important thing is that you do deal with your emotions, don’t just ignore them completely.

I like a bit of space, I don’t want to be crowded by people. I find it easier to carry on as normal and just have some quiet time when I’m at home to think about things. There is no right or wrong way.

I just wish others would appreciate that.

L is confused and scared and worried about being away from us for any length of time, that all manifests as anger unfortunately.

My nan is busy trying to be strong for everyone and feels she can’t show her emotions as it then sets my mum and aunt off. I find this sad to hear as I know everyone is just worried about her and trying to do best by her by not leaving her on own at all, but I know she would like some time to come to terms with things and be angry, sad and as emotional as she needs without keeping it in heck to benefit others.

Finally, I’m linking up with #TwinklyTuesday, #Blogstravaganza and #StayClassyMama